The one thing I wish I had learned earlier in life, confidence. I don’t know if it is supposed to be this way or some people are just blessed with it. Is the point to screw up so much that we figure out who we are and become ok with that? That is often times how I feel when people comment on how cofident I seem. I always think back to that scared little girl who dreamed of a life where she liked who she was. I grew up with the unspoken under current of “you are not good enough”. This message has haunted me my whole life. It has caused me to be an overachiever, a perfectionist, and perhaps a little too committed to my own ideas. It was like when I became an adult, I had to prove that in fact I was more than good enough. As a young adult I was always commented on how it seemed I “had it together”. I always chuckled because I knew my acting was really good. You see, underneath that exterior was a terrified, sad little girl who only wanted people to think she was amazing.
You want to know what healed me (besides a few years of therapy)? Having my own children. They have brought great healing to my soul in so many different ways. Those little toddlers running up to me just to hug me and say they loved me. I was more than enough. Seeing my quiet daughter blossom to an amazing dancer, dancing on stage before hundreds with a smile on her face. Wanting to get up in front of church and sing a song with her little sister. A son who has the confidence to tell his friend his antics are just going to get him expelled and he won’t participate. This is my inspiration!
I have worked hard for every ounce of confidence I now have. I have learned to love myself. I have learned to take my weaknesses and grow in them. Perhaps the best confidence boost, forgivness. Forgiving those that contributed to that message of being not good enough. The only reason they did, they didn’t know how to express that same feeling in themselves.
Watching my son yesterday, reminded me of how far I have come. He is not built for sports nor likes them. He’s the nerdy brainiac who would much rather figure out how to beat a video game. He is developing that middle child syndrom of trying figure out where he fits in, the only child without an after school activity. We decided to put him in swimming lessons. His first one was yesterday. I think in that half hour he grew 2 inches. The kid that went into the pool was not the same kid that came out. That is the confidence I wish someone had the worked to instill in the little girl me.
All I can do is hope and dream, but it doesn’t change the facts. The fact remains I had to work hard to stand tall and find my voice. This is why I work so tirelessly for my children. They have a voice, and the world needs to hear it.